For some reason, I find meaning in pushing myself as far as I can, despite the constant stress it entails. A family member has commented more than once “why do you have to obsess over everything you do to the point of sucking all of the fun out of it?” But to me, the obsession is what makes it rewarding. I guess my view is that anything worth doing is worth overdoing. It’s not enough to play piano as a hobby; I have to do it 12 hours at a time. It’s not enough to get into cooking; I have to read all of the archived blog posts I can find from world class chefs and attempt to duplicate their approach at home with week long meals.
I’m not really sure why I am this way, but I do know that the periods in my life when I have tried to not be this way have been some of the most miserable.
>I’m not really sure why I am this way, but I do know that the periods in my life when I have tried to not be this way have been some of the most miserable
After getting diagnosed with ADHD last year at 32 a lot of things in my life made sense, including why I tend to focus on whatever I'm interested to the exclusion of almost all other things and just get into things way, way too intensely. There is no getting a little bit interested in something and just engaging with things casually for me. If I get into something it gets extreme. That can last 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years. I tend to like it when it's 3 years as the short duration hyperfocus tends to lead to a lot of impulse buys related to the obsession that then become useless once I'm no longer interested. The times when it goes for years I wind up outstripping my peers as most noone can match the time and intensity I put in.
Yeah, this really resonates with me. I am starting to feel it's a burden, though, because I really feel that I have no life.
I can't do multiple things... either focus on studying and studying alone (and get above average grades).. but basically end up like I am now -- friendless, with boring hobbies and interests and very lonely. Or focus on things that fill my life, and catastrophically mess up my education. And for the discipline I want to work in, I really need good grades (but also good social skills).
I also want to add that despite studying nearly 24/7, and fully understanding every single concept (and much more!), I still manage to mess up in exams due to the lack of concentration (I.e. accidentally saw that plus as a minus, didn't see that term, etc. Dumb things like that). (I need time to hyperfocus, and the exam durations don't permit this)
I am still young, so this really worries me. I feel that I have basically wasted my teenage-hood, childhood, and now on the path of wasting my youth as well.
I feel ya man. The more interesting thing always wins and the other thing gets forgotten about or "I'll come back to it". Trying to do more than one thing feels conflicting pretty quickly.
When I was younger in my mid 20s before I was diagnosed there was a period where it was amazing. People around me couldn't understand how I was able to get on the level I was able to get on. But if you zoom out and look at my life on the whole from 17 to 27 I had 5 different jobs and _in aggregate_ only managed to be gainfully employed for 1 year out of those 10. My early adult life was a wreck.
Now I'm in my early 30s Ive got a decent career because I hyperfocused on that and instead now my health is a wreck. After suffering a brush with burnout last year I'm now trying to focus on my health.
I think I cycle back and forth on it being a burden. Pre-diagnosis I just had no idea why I felt consumed by what I was into to the point where some days I felt like I had no agency because I was starting to get that burny-outy feeling and wish I could do something else with my time but was always find myself sucked into "just. one. more". Though there are times when you just are constantly in this deep flow state and nothing else matters. It's just impossible to balance. There is no balance.
Some point after I got diagnosed and I was having a conversation with my wife and I just burst out crying as I explained to her how after spending north of 1000 nights doing the dishes at 2am sometimes 3am because I was determined not to let our marriage bust up over me not doing the dishes and thinking to myself night after night "I wish I knew what this was called so I could get her to understand" I was just so overwhelmed with relief to finally know why and to be able to communicate that and to know there really is a reason underpinning it etc.
It helped tremendously with that aspect. Balance so far I haven't been able to obtain still. I haven't had any luck with medication yet as apparently 20% of people don't respond to it and I might be one of those people. So far I've only tried a sustained release formulation of Methylphenidate and I don't notice any difference. For other people the difference is quite dramatic. I've been encouraged by r/ADHD to be persistent in trying to find if there is a combination of meds that works for me. Next I will try the instant release version.
It's helped my health a lot. I would always put off going to the doctor or dentist and thought if I ignore it it'll go away. Since learning that untreated ADHD has a life expectancy that's shorter by 13 years on average (due to increased risk of a accidents, obesity, drug addiction, suicide etc) I've really started to put an emphasis on fixing my litany of health problems and in the past 12 months have started to see progress.
Getting diagnosed was the biggest revelation of my life and a very positive thing for me. The down side is is you go through this honeymoon phase where you feel like "now that I know what this is I can finally solve all the problems" and eventually realising it's a neurological condition and not a curable disease.
But for sure if you have suspicions seek an evaluation. One thing that I found interesting is that it presents very differently in people, so how one person describes it might not be how you experience it. Generally speaking though if the patterns that emerge when you start looking through r/ADHD and How To ADHD YouTube channel and the book "Driven To Distraction" resonate with you then it's probably a pretty good indication.
Thank you so much, truly. This is all really helpful. r/ADHD and your comments do resonate a lot with me, but I haven't checked out "Driven to Distraction" nor How to ADHD. Will check them out and see how things go, then go seek diagnosis.
Also this video highlights some really interesting research which shows why we get distracted. Basically the Default Mode Network and Task Positive Network are supposed to anti- correlate and in ADHD brains they don't perfectly do that.
I've found that for exams, mixing it up is the best way to stay attentive. Depending on the length (especially if it's a really long multiple choice–think SAT or something along those lines), I like to do a few problems then flip to the back of the book and work problems from there. When I feel my focus lapsing, I go back to the beginning and pick up where I left off.
I've found that this strategy works elsewhere as well. Simply mixing up my environment (working in a coffee shop vs a library vs my room vs etc) tends to make me focus better as I adapt really well to new situations but grow complacent in routines.
As for the social side, I've found that forcibly inserting myself into situations I might find uncomfortable is the way to go. I tended to group up with people who are trying a similar thing and we ended up forming a close bond, because I (and others like me) prefer fewer, closer relationships.
For example, I joined a Discord server someone made for my dorm. On the first day, someone offered to play cards with people and I went even though I would maybe normally stay in. About half the people there are in my friend group now.
I never really tried mixing things up before. In hindsight, I really should have because routine does bore me a lot.
Getting out of my comfort zone is what I have been doing this semester, and it's going well, I'd say.. haven't really made any friends (like you, I prefer fewer, closer and deeper friendships), but I have been having fun and gained some valuable experiences, so I guess it balances out.
I also had phases in university where I was focused on learning and lonely, and also phases where I was partying too much and not doing as well as I could have on the tests. But after a while, my life naturally balanced out. Maybe it was the long bicycle rides where I can peacefully wonder about what I want to focus on today, but I'm not sure.
In any case, by now I've seen firsthand how little practical relevance most school and university lectures had. So I guess the first step for you should be to stop worrying too much about doing well on any given test. Chances are, being more relaxed will also help you avoid these little concentration mistakes.
>Maybe it was the long bicycle rides where I can peacefully wonder about what I want to focus on today, but I'm not sure.
Yeah, I have recently picked up the habit of walking daily for 30 - 60 minutes, but at the end of the day. It's quite refreshing and helpful, not to mention the physical exercise aspect. It feels good to think on the day's decisions / what happened, and think if what I am doing is what I really want or not.
>[...] by now I've seen firsthand how little practical relevance most school and university lectures had.
Yeah, I have heard this a lot. My problem lies in GPAs being used as filters, both for job applications and scholarships. It just hurts to think of the possibility that I could be passed over, not because of my actual skillset or level, but due to exam performance.
I know several people in high management positions who didn't even finish their degree. Also, I've never been asked about my degree because I got all of my jobs from word of mouth so far.
You are probably right if your goal is to work in a large conservative corporation. But for startups and medium sized companies,nobody cares.
A lot. So called "hyperfocus" is a hallmark of ADHD. Most people might think of ADHD as can't concentrate or get distracted easily due to the "attention deficit" moniker but in reality ADHD is badly named, and it's much more an inability to direct your attention. Hyperfocus is the the opposite extreme of not being able to concentrate and getting distracted easily as you find yourself unable to switch your attention away from what it is you're interested in. This is especially problematic when you have other activities that require your attention like filing your taxes, folding the washing, taking out the trash and doing the dishes as you tend to not be able to get your brain to accept engaging in those tasks and often some of them wind up left undone. Sure you made progress in whatever the latest obsession was, but you find relationships with those around you strained with this constant back and forth of "you left dirty dishes in the sink again last night, you forgot to take out the rubbish again, and when you fold the washing don't just fold the washing but also put it away please" and all you want to talk about is the cool new stuff you learned last night.
Edit: I find it quaint that people can consider how hard they should push themselves and have the option of doing it or not. I get sucked into it no matter what.
This line of reasoning was precisely why I ended up missing a diagnosis of ADD by 17 years. It was because the specialist said that since I could pay attention to the things I "liked," a diagnosis was not appropriate for me. My life could have turned out a lot differently if I was medicated sooner.
I believe that people should no longer treat AD(H)D as an acronym. It isn't accurate to call it a chronic "deficit of attention" and hyperactivity isn't necessarily a symptom. It's unfortunate that the name has to stay for the purpose of recognition in the face of the new evidence we've gathered in the past few decades.
>Why did they disqualify you based on being able to focus on things you like?
Lack of knowledge on the part of the person assessing them. Some people who go for diagnosis wind up going to people who don't specialise in it and they wind up being told these kind of things.
ADHD is an "executive function" disorder -- it's hard for your brain to consistently focus on doing what you "want" it to do.
It's stereotypically thought of as an inability to focus your attention ("can't sit still and concentrate"), but it's also an inability to stop focusing on something you know isn't in your overall interest/plans.
At least in my own experience, when I take things in my life this way, I burn out on them fast. Consistency becomes elusive, and without consistency, real long-term progress is very difficult to achieve.
At least in my own experience, when I do not do things consistently, real long-term progress is difficult to achieve. And that is what makes me obsess over things like OP.
And yet most people's code (in my team at least) after 6-7 hours of work tend to be crap and is usually refactored later when they are fresh.
For it to count as "constant" in humans it has be in periods smaller than what period of time the individual can stay focused... Which is anywhere between 30 minutes and 1 hour, for most people.
> And yet most people's code (in my team at least) after 6-7 hours of work tend to be crap and is usually refactored later when they are fresh.
I've observed that, and it's definitely the case for me too - but often, the choice isn't between crappy code in a day vs. good code in two - it's a choice between crappy code in a day and no code at all.
> For it to count as "constant" in humans it has be in periods smaller than what period of time the individual can stay focused... Which is anywhere between 30 minutes and 1 hour, for most people.
Don't forget to count the time it takes to spool up to achieve focused productivity. Which can easily be 30 minutes or more.
I've found that this strategy doesn't work over time. My goal isn't, "make the best meal ever tonight", my goal is, "shop, cook, and clean every week in order to have a good home cooked meal every night". Those are two very different challenges, where the latter requires a more pragmatic approach to time and energy management.
> But to me, the obsession is what makes it rewarding. I guess my view is that anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
My father is like this. I've described him as a "serial obsessionist". I recognize in myself several unhealthy behaviors that likely developed due to his influence in this regard.
Same here. The whole thread is giving me a great chuckle. My son often asks, "why did Granddaddy do all this?" And I reply, "because for Granddaddy, anything worth doing is worth overdoing." Awesome to see that phrase repeated elsewhere.
> "because for Granddaddy, anything worth doing is worth overdoing."
One wonders if there is a correlation between this trait and people who end up in tech these days. The rampant overengineering and workaholism would suggest the possibility.
This burns me out. Might be different for you. I try to pursue things to the level of just being good at it. I relate to you, but I know that pushing myself to the extreme is not joyous. Tried, succeeded in excellence, and then mentally crashed.
You speak directly from my heart of my former younger self. Never stop being obsessed, what i learned that obsession and fun needs to be one (for sure it's not always that fun but at the end of the day/week/month it has to be)
A lot of people are obsessed on things are interested at the time. So is my younger self. Now I can mostly control myself by learning it’s time to let it go and being selective on what I should be obsessed about.
I’m not really sure why I am this way, but I do know that the periods in my life when I have tried to not be this way have been some of the most miserable.