Telling myself that I have no worth. Thinking that lead me to believe the only way to demonstrate my worth is to be superman at work. Being superman allowed me to demonstrate my value each day (corresponds to the 'but what have you done for me lately' mindset of American tech culture), allowed me to get validation that I was not worthless. That drive helped me professionally, which helped me demonstrate my worth as a provider, because obviously without the nice house, new cars, etc my wife would leave me (even though she didn't ask for these things). Being superman burned me out and took up all my time. Which lead to worse relationships with my wife/kids, which re-enforced I had no value/worth. We tried an external solution of moving to the countryside. But ultimately my thinking broke me completely. My court ordered rehab counselor trips out on it. He's like dude, you are a person, you lived better than I ever will, you helped tens of thousands of people in a demonstrable way (software I wrote and was the name on patents for had some life changing impacts), all of the women in this office comment on how it's crazy you are attractive and have no partner, talking to you you are well educated, present yourself well and people like you. In group you are the natural leader. Dude none of your thinking makes any sense. I hear him say it, but inside I know. I put on a good show, I can convince people I am a person, but I know the truth. I have no value. Everyone in group will see through and realize it eventually. I don't know how to change this or get past it.
But I want to. I want friends. But I can't accept friends, because they will find out I have no worth, so I only have acquaintances. Honestly, I want my best friend back, my ex, but that is way gone.
Being superman != a way to measure your worth.
Work != the value of you.
You != nothing.
Be kind to yourself, show yourself love. You have value. I know that you do. If only I knew that I do too.
Been there done that. It actually led to my final spiral out of control.
The court ordered person I work with has been the best help. He doesn't fuck around. While the therapist said 'why do you feel this way...why do you think that...blah blah' this guy was the first person my whole life to say 'dude, you have value, I wish you could see the person I see'. I can't explain what hearing that did for me. Especially from someone that knows ALL the good and the bad. I can't use my 'but if he only knew' cop out.
But I want to. I want friends. But I can't accept friends, because they will find out I have no worth, so I only have acquaintances. Honestly, I want my best friend back, my ex, but that is way gone.
Being superman != a way to measure your worth. Work != the value of you. You != nothing.
Be kind to yourself, show yourself love. You have value. I know that you do. If only I knew that I do too.